Slow tears trickled down my face. I watched the pallbearers carry Mama ever so gently up the steps into the white clapboard church she called home.
The hot July day would have been unbearable, if I had noticed it. I did not. I was in a fog, depending on the grace of God to get me through the next few hours.
I could hardly put one foot in front of the other….felt like I was walking through a river of mud. Struggling. But there were things to do. People and family to greet. Slowly they arrived, their murmured condolences not even beginning to comfort my grieving heart.
Her service was beautiful! Exactly what she would have wanted. Mama’s pastor told us of her love for Jesus, and laid out the plan of salvation. Her church family fed us after the funeral, hugged us and loved on us. They told us how much she would be missed. Oh, how well I knew!
One bittersweet scene replays in my mind. On a white board in the church choir room, these words:
Ann Eason
July 28, 2011
Oh happy day!
Oh…happy…day. I was trying, but my heart was broken. It’s a hard thing to lose a mama. She was the glue that held our family together. What now?
Days turned into weeks, and my life went back to normal. But was it, really?
Nothing had stopped. Life kept going. Things had to be done, at work and home. People were still coming and going. It was almost as if Mama’s death was a non-event. Didn’t people know? Couldn’t they see? Things were different. It was strange.
My heart was in Mississippi. My family was there. It felt like home. For the first time in thirty years, I felt like a stranger in Louisiana.
I didn’t belong here…or there. I was homesick. For Mama. For the family time we had shared. For home – wherever that may be. Nothing felt the same – like someone had re-arranged the furniture. Familiar, but not quite right.
Stranger. Sojourner. Exile.
Like Abraham.
Genesis 23:2-4 Sarah died in Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sara and to weep for her. Then Abraham rose from before his dead, and spoke to the sons of Heth, saying, “I am a stranger and a sojourner among you; give me a burial site among you that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”
Abraham and Sarah had been living in Canaan for many years before Sarah died. Yet Abraham felt like a stranger.
The original Hebrew use of the word “stranger” indicates an alien – someone living in a strange land among strange people. These strangers did not identify with the group among whom they were living. Yep, that was me.
Why didn’t Abraham return to his homeland, if he felt like a stranger in Canaan?
We’re told in Genesis 12:1-2 ‘Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go forth from your country, and from your relatives and from your father’s house, to the land which I will show you: and I will make you a great nation…”’
God sent Abraham to Canaan. Abraham was seventy-five when he obediently left his homeland. He didn’t question God, or ask “Why?” He just went, based on God’s word and promise. The Lord put Abraham there for His purposes, and Abraham chose to stay, and grow, and make a life where God had placed him.
When the Lord moves you into a strange land, it could be your place of promise.
If this was Abraham’s land of promise, why did he feel like a stranger, after so many years there?
Abraham knew – deep in his heart – what I was beginning to fully understand after Mama’s death: This earth is not my home. I am a stranger here, a temporary resident.
Hebrews 11:10 “for he (Abraham) was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.”
My heart ached for this city created by God. My whole being longed for it. I’d never felt this more acutely than after Mama’s death. This longing that wouldn’t go away, that stayed months after my grief had subsided, was a longing for my real home, my heavenly home.
Abraham stayed in Canaan, even though he was a stranger, even though he grieved his wife Sarah. He was able to endure grieving in a strange land, because he kept his eyes on the city that God was building for him. Abraham’s hope was in the Lord God.
Have you ever suffered a loss and suddenly felt like a stranger – out of place and homesick? Let this promise from God’s word comfort you:
“If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.” John 14:3 (NASB)
Jesus Himself is preparing a place for us! In the meantime, we must live as strangers here on earth.
2 Corinthians 5:1-2 “For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven”
Until next week…
Continue to pray for you… Your words bring comfort as I face my mom’s declining health. Thank you for having the courage to share your heartache and the promise we have in Him <3
Oh, Deb! My heart aches for you! I know how difficult it is to be so far away…Praying for the God of all comfort to wrap you in His arms as you walk through this! Love you, my friend!
Ellen, this is so beautifully touching. I understand where you’re coming from well. I’ve been there, and some days I’m still there. I miss my mama more than I let on. She was my rock on this earth, and yes, the glue that held our family together. Yesterday would have been my parents’ 62nd wedding anniversary if they were both still on this earth. You and I share a day filled with joy, yet with tears. I am praying for you, sweet friend!
Thank you Julie! God has been so faithful to heal my hurts! And I have learned so much from this! Praying for you also, as we share this bittersweet day! PS – LOVED seeing all your pix from the bike ride!! So proud of you!
Ellen, I know exaclty how you feel, but I was unable to put it in such beautiful words when my dad died when I was 14. I’ve been told to embrace my new normal, but it is still so hard. I am choosing to embrace God and know that its ok to feel like a stranger here because Heaven is our home. Beautiful words and so encouraging to know Abraham felt the same feelings we feel today and we serve the same God he did. Thank you for sharing.
Kasey, how your words minister to me! This story has been on my heart for well over a year. I can’t tell you how petrified I was to hit the “Publish” button! But perfect love casts out fear! Thanks for stopping by and many thanks for your comment!
Thank you, Ellen. Thank you so much. I lost my father a few months ago. I shared the news of his passing through a post (after our family and friends knew, of course). Someone replied with the verse “This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” I didn’t know how to process that response right away, but with time I’ve come to gratefully embrace that God had a perfect plan for ALL of Daddy’s days. Grief is indeed a strange land, but there is promise and joy here. Thank you for the reminder. ~ Renee
Oh Renee! That was my Mom’s favorite verse!!! I am so sorry about your Dad. I will be praying for the God of all comfort to wrap His strong and loving arms around you during this time!
Yes, i know He will. Thank you!
I saw you are a Compel member! Be seeing you around then!
I am so moved, Ellen. So touched. I lost my Mama a year and a half ago. She was two months from 99 and I had cared for her for 15 years, along with facilities’ staffs. I miss her so. Yet, your words brought tears to me, reminders that I am a sojourner and stranger in a strange land, and expectations for that beautiful future home.
I am so grateful that God gave you these words and that He placed me as a neighbor on Holley’s site.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Oh Linda! I am so sorry about your Mom. What an honor and privilege it must have been for you to care for her so lovingly! God is so good! I almost didn’t link to Holly’s site, because this post (and the three upcoming) are not your normal “happy, encouraging” posts. Before I hit the publish button, I prayed that He would send anyone that needs to hear these words that He laid on my heart. Praying for our God to wrap you in His love and care as you adjust to your new normal.
Ellen,
I’m so blessed we are neighbors at Holley’s Testimony Tuesday, because your sharing here today is honest and straight from the heart about a subject we all face with a loved one at some point. I just attended my cousin’s husband’d funeral Monday… age 35 and meningitis took his life. It was certainly hard… an additional kind of hard for me because it served as a reminder of me nearly losing my husband to meningitis a few years ago. It’s fresh. It always seems fresh, doesn’t it? But you are right to trust in God’s BIG plan. He grieves with us and comforts knowing it is not easy. It’s not about easy, it’s about trust. You state this beautifully here. God bless you, Heather
You’re so right, Heather: it always seems fresh! But as long as we see God’s bigger purpose, and don’t allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity (I did have to fight this!), we can move forward and live life with His purposes in mind. Thank you for stopping by!
I’m blessed to still have my parents but I’m thinking that I will feel very adrift when they are gone. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Ellen, and encouraging us to remember that we do not belong here. And one day we will all be with our loved ones who have passed. Praise the Lord!
Looking forward with anticipation to the Great Day!
Since my Grandpa went Home to Jesus earlier this summer I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven and feeling a bit homesick too. So glad we have that hope!!
Hope and anticipation! I’m looking forward to The Great Day, but still realize there is so much to be done here…
Thank you Ellen for sharing your heart. Mamma’s are so special. I am blessed to have mine with me. I cannot imagine life without her funny self. You have written so beautifully. Thanks again.